OVERCOMING PROBLEMS IN LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

Ayurveda can make you understand how to make your long distance relationship successful and last long. Long distance relationships are more prevalent now a days especially in youngsters – college going students, job goers, military personnel. Not all long distance relationships are romantic. Many students go away to study abroad so their relation with their family and friends become long distance. Because of communication restrictions controlled by military regulations, partners of military personnel deployed abroad experience significant amount of stress and makes them feel lonely back at home. 

Unlike normal relationships where you happen to live with the person or meet the person, there is lack of face to face contact in a long distance relationship due to geographical separation which could lead to lot of misunderstandings or problems very easily. Long distance relationship can be challenging – keeping a long distance relationship healthy, happy and mutually fulfilling takes commitment but it is certainly possible.

Most common long distance relationship problems 

1.     Nagging, demanding or expecting too much

2.     Misunderstanding / Conflict in relationship/ Mistrust

3.     Not communicating properly / giving less attention

Nagging, demanding or expecting too much

A person who is highly ambitious will be incompatible with an average person because of the difference in their perceptions. The ambitious person will focus on goals and will work hard to achieve it and does not like to waste time on insignificant things. But the average person will not take much effort to achieve goals. A determined person will nag an easy-going person constantly which the latter will not like. 

Misunderstanding / Conflict in relationship/ Mistrust

Depending on our mood, our perceptions change extremely. Example, when we are in a bad mood, a simple and caring question like “How was your day?” from your partner may seem critical to you. But the same question will feel caring when you are in a good mood. So we should have self-awareness at all times, so we can understand how our mood influences our perceptions which in turn can help avoid unnecessary conflicts in a relationship. 

Not communicating properly / giving less attention

When you get too busy with your work, that you don’t find time to call your wife or kids, then one day when you call them your children will ask who are you? So is the case with all of you. You don’t have time for children, you don’t have time for your wife or family or friends. Why this competition? As your friend has 10 million whereas you have only 5 million, so to make the 5 million into 10 million you are working hard, ignoring your family. So attachment is the mother of all miseries.

Knowing one’s own dosha & tendency as well as the partner’s allows for insight for patience and compassion. Vata dominant persons are quick, creative and impressive and can make a stimulating company. But they tend to become bored, restless and stressed out easily, nervous and worried. Pitta dominant persons are fiery, passionate, want to accomplish, quickly get angry but can easily slow down. They can become combative, controlling, and competitive with other people or partner and may try to outperform them. Kapha people are soft, sweet, calm. They need reminders and motivation as they tend to be lethargic and apathetic. So it is important to understand the tendency of your family member or partner living abroad and communicate with them accordingly. For example if the person living abroad is Kapha dominant, you should keep motivating them, asking them to do regular exercise or remind their tasks. However if you do this to a Pitta dominant person, they might get irritated and problems may arise. 

Different stages of long distance relationship

•       First stage – Pitta dominating stage when we just start a relation as we are ambitious, full of desire, intensity, vitality, hope and goals. This stage brings you happiness and excitement.
•    Second stage – Kapha prominent stage where everything becomes a routine, predictable, pleasant and comfortable. This brings stability in your relationship. Sending daily messages in the midst of your busy schedule becomes habitual. This has to be maintained. But slowly due to various reasons, you may see that it transcends to the third stage. 
•      Third stage – Vata dominant stage when the relation becomes brittle or drying out or boring. Analyse why you feel this and what you are lacking and try to spend more quality time with the person. Communication is the key. Instead if you maintain more distance and reduce the frequency of communication then the relation is likely to come to an end or conflicts may arise. It is actually a matter of preference. When you hand over a new doll to a child, the child plays with the doll with lots of excitement and happiness for a few weeks. Later the child’s interest in the doll slowly diminishes and the child desires for a new toy. This stage is similar to it. This stage occurs when we expect or desire for something more than the daily routine. Negative emotions can provide a cue to you that something is not working in your relationship, propelling you to make a needed change. It's important to allow yourself to feel these negative emotions when they arise, and to deal constructively with them.

Thoughts create emotions which are associated with mood, temperament, personality, disposition and motivation. Increase of Rajas and Tamas qualities in the mind cause this. Also they are created due to “failure of intelligence” (Pradnyaparadha) or volitional transgression which is the main cause of problems between people in long distance relationships. Rajas is a state of reactive tendency of the mind and Tamas is a state of destructiveness. When our mind is constantly dominated by Rajas, slowly Tamas steps in and we are likely to do and say things that will ruin a relationship. 

Some of the Emotions mentioned in Ayurvedic texts

Positive emotions

Negative emotions

Joy (Sukha /Ananda) - Pleasure,  Cheerfulness, Zest, Contentment Love (Kama) – Affection, Attraction,  Attachment, Infatuation, Longing,  forgiveness, compassion

Grief (Dukkha) – Sorrow Intoxicating mood (Mada) – Lust, Passion Anger (Krodha) – Rage, Disgust, Torment Envy (Matsarya) – Jealousy Greed (Lobha) – Excessive unhealthy desire  for an object Sadness (Vishada) – Suffering, Disappointment, Shame, neglect Depression (Udvega) – Loneliness, Lack of  enthusiasm Fear (Bhaya) – Horror Anxiety (Chinta) - Worry, Nervousness Competitiveness (Irshya) – Inability to bear  excellence of others Surprise (Ascharya) – Frustration, irritation

 

Control the Suppressible Urges 

One should gain control over the nine suppressible urges which are inter related. 

1. Kama or Prime desire from which arise all other desires.
2. Krodha or Anger arises due to unfulfilled desire
3. Mada or Pride is a kind of mental sore
4. Moha or Attachment creates the idea of 'mine-ness'
5. Matsarya or Envy causes failure to appreciate when your friend or family member or partner has accomplished something
6. Bhaya or Fear occurs due to strong desires and attachment
7. Dvesha or Hatred is one of the basic roots of immoral action. Repression and concealment of feelings, especially negative ones accumulate anger and lead to hate.
8. Shoka or Grief can make partners grow closer to support each other or grow apart when one retreats into oneself.
9. Lobha or Greed is intense emotion which turns one into an animal because of extreme selfishness or materialism.

Tips for successful long distance relationship

Increasing number of technologies – cell phones, online social network sites support long distance relationships for family or friends living apart. Whether your partner or family member or a friend is living apart, following the below suggestions will help in maintaining strong relationship and keep it moving forward and reduce emotional problems like anxiety, depression, anger and acceptance. 

1. Positivity / Sattvic mind - For good long distance relationship, we should cultivate good emotions and eliminate unwholesome emotions. Disciplining your emotions is important. Develop a habit of self-observation with regard to one's emotional condition (a detailed observation of the mental state). Control emotional manifestations as they arise. Develop new set of values, so that the situations which earlier elicited the responses of fear will fail to do so.
2. Openness / Understanding - Defects and weaknesses are two distinct qualities. Anger is a defect. Tea-habit is a weakness. To be over-sentimental is a weakness. We should remove defects and weaknesses both by adopting opposite virtues.
3. Assurance - Relationships are an investment. The more we invest, the more the returns are. Assurance in a relationship isn't what you say, it is what you do which causes a feeling of security and confidence in the relationship. Conflicts arise when assurances are not met.
4. Connection / Communication – Practicing presence is important. Put away all distractions and communicate regularly. It will have a positive effect on relationship. Practice active listening. Listen & empathize with what your partner is saying without planning response ahead of time. That way your partner knows he / she is being heard and respected enough to have other’s full and unbiased attention. 
5. Performing shared tasks / Send reminders – Although you live far apart, you may add shared calendar and exchange to-do lists which will make you feel closer. 
6. Conflict management - Every thought or emotion or mood produces a strong vibration in every cell of the body and leaves a strong impression there. We should know to think of a counter though to manage conflicts. Say for example, when there is an expression of hatred from your partner, you should think of how much love your partner has on you, you should try and recall a loveable moment or incident that happened during the past during such situation. This will help to neutralise the hatred. When you get angry with your son / daughter / partner living abroad, instead of scolding or fighting with them, just recall their positive side, their best nature and the anger will slowly dissolve in the ocean of positivity. When we are in a state of fear, we should immediately think of the courage we have to overcome fear. Constant practice and focus is important to achieve this. 

Emotions --> Thoughts --> Actions

You may have heard this analogy. Once there was a lame man who couldn’t walk and a blind man. Both wanted to go to the same village. After discussion they found a way. The blind man will carry the lame man on his shoulders while the lame man will guide the blind man to reach their destination which was common. Thus, to achieve integrated way of life through our actions, the power of thought & emotion combines. 

Our emotions control our thoughts and the latter is responsible for our actions. For a successful long-distance relationship, we need to know how to use the power of emotion and how to prevent the mind from being disturbed by our emotions. One single negative emotion can disturb you and create conflict in any relationship.